Are Black Women Really Policing Black Men’s Penises? Let’s Talk.

Well, some entity is policing it, but do we really want to go there?

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I was watching a YouTube video on colorism when I spotted a familiar refrain in the comments: “Black women are still trying to police who Black men sleep with.”

It’s a loaded accusation. But let’s look at it historically, socially, and personally. Who’s doing the policing when it comes to Black men’s sexual choices? Below are a few truths that might challenge what you think you know.

Plantation owners policed your peens first

Let’s keep it 100 — Black men’s bodies were being policed long before any YouTube comment section existed.

During slavery, Black men and women were reduced to breeders. No autonomy. No love. Just reproduction for profit. It wasn’t intimacy — it was inventory. And yes, many Black men likely viewed Black women not as partners, but as vessels under a system that didn’t allow room for anything else.

This isn’t a theory. It’s history.

And if we go even further back, according to The Destruction of Black Civilization*, there were systems of exploitation within African cultures too — Black women being pimped or traded by their own men. That legacy, painful as it is, traveled with us.

So let’s be clear — before anyone else, white supremacy and patriarchal economics policed Black sexuality.

Non Black women are policing your peens whether covertly or otherwise

I watched a funny snippet of Dr. Umar Johnson asking a Non Black woman, What does she bring to the table in a relationship? The non-Black woman jumped up, turned around to show off her behind, and said, “This is what I bring.”

Whether her butt is real or fake is not the issue here.

What she did later is what matters.

When Dr. Umar appeared unbothered and said his famous phrase, “Black queens forever, snowbunnies never,” the woman was found backstage calling him the N word and having a meltdown that a Black man would dare to profess he loved Black women.

To be fair, she felt this way because we know the common narrative is for Black men to ACTIVELY select lighter women. I pitied her because to be placed on such a high pedestal by most men on the planet, only to then realize, “Uh oh….Black women exist, too?” Yeah, it was a mental earthquake for her for sure.

I’ve heard stories from real Black men who would tell a non Black woman he is only interested in women from his community, only to have the white woman call him a racist for saying so.

I don’t know, is this policing or nah?

Oh well.

Black women kinda sorta policed Black men’s peen too

Remember those old shows from the 90s where Black women were so mad that Black men were in interracial relationships?

Even online, Black women would vent about who Black men were selecting, and for the life of me, I was confused — can’t people love who they love? I still feel this way. My husband and I know a few couples where the woman is non-Black/white and the man is Black — they are a great couple and non-problematic.

Some Black women would have a problem with this, but I never did.

There are two humans in true love, and there is no way I can feel bad about that. Who a person chooses is for sure none of my darn business. I think the issue here is that some Black women are not confident in themselves (due to colorism and racism, most likely), or they passed up on a good Black man and harbor anger for not being chosen themselves presently.

The list of reasons is endless.

However, it is a new dawn and a new day, and most Black women do not care who a man dates, but the Black man seems to care enough to try to exploit a Black woman’s insecurities.

Let’s talk about it.

Black women have entered a new era, maybe only a few years ago, of caring for ourselves and our mental health. Due to blogs, vlogs, and a hefty, long-awaited conversation about the Black woman’s place in America, many Black women’s eyes have opened, and they are seeing the light. They don’t care who Black men date (there are a few who do, unfortunately), but overall, most don’t care.

I see videos of Black women living abroad, heading to spas, earning degrees, and finding love elsewhere. The Black women in my circle are married to Black men, white men, and other. I’m happily married to my Caramel King. A Black man who treats me very well indeed. So, nope — most Black women are not caring who Black men fall for.

Even the Black women who are single are not bothered. They are living their best life and find joy in forming book clubs, going on cruises, and having peace doing what they love to do in general.

However, what I do witness are Black men still going online to call Black women monkeys, ugly, nappy-headed, or they will list reasons why “Becky” is better.

Black women, for sure, are responding but not policing.

Black women are loudly declaring that we don’t care, and we don’t mind who you date. Date who you wish. Love is love, so why spew hate at women you are not attracted to? It is bizarre. Interracial dating or dating white women is NOT a novel idea. It is not exotic. It is not a flex. It is just dating.

If you wish to use the “Jim Crow 2.0” brown paper bag test to tell you who to date, then be my guest.

If you want to still be that slave being told who to breed with, then be my guest.

If you are hurt that a non-Black woman is crying that you won’t select her, so you select her anyway, then be my guest.

Just remember that it is not the sistahs policing your peen, it is the ones who can benefit greatly from your self-loathing.

Thanks for reading!

*(Affiliate links are connected to Amazon, meaning I’ll earn a small commission if you make a purchase. Thank you!)

Erica writes about the myths we are sold about work, success, and survival- and what's really behind them. She also churns out stories and poetry that reflect the same thing. Sign up for more pieces like this, delivered fresh to your inbox.